


so far gone

by minshuas



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Cheating jic, M/M, The pairings are there but they aren't like... in your face.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:05:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/pseuds/minshuas
Summary: life is full of coincidences. this is anything but.or, wonwoo and soonyoung are both stood up at their weddings.





	so far gone

**Author's Note:**

> this took forever to finally finish??? even tho... it was like... shorter than my other fics?  
> it has a weird style/flow, but all parentheses are past dialogue/scenes
> 
> minghao and junhui are in it a lot but that's the Whole Plot i'm sorry

xu minghao is an enigma of rich, overflowing happiness and fractured, detached pessimism. being the very definition of a wallflower, he can easily blend into the background of any situation. he laughs loudly, carelessly with his head tipped back and his hands grasping at his sides to try to hold himself together as if the laughter will tear him right apart. sarcasm drips from his lips in the rawest form and there is seemingly no end to it. he’s a flurry of movement and it can be tiring to be around him, but that’s what soonyoung loves the most about him. he meets a wallflower at a college party and that boy turns into a hurricane that sweeps him up, right off his feet. 

they date for a couple months, then soonyoung graduates. minghao tells him that he doesn’t want to date anymore, and soonyoung is okay with that because minghao knows what he wants for his future. soonyoung can respect his decision, especially since if it ends civilly then they can stay friends. ( _ “i tried a long distance relationship before and i just know that i don’t want that.”  _ he says, shrugging, not meeting soonyoung’s eye. soonyoung has so many questions for him, but he doesn’t ask any of them because minghao’s always been so confident in their relationship, in leading it the right way, in knowing what might be the best for both of them. he’s always so cautious with the biggest decisions, so soonyoung trusts this one.  _ “so, it is okay if we break up.”  _ he still isn’t looking at soonyoung, instead he’s picking at a scab he has on his hand. soonyoung can’t remember when he got it; he thinks it might have happened while they were cooking together last week. soonyoung wasn’t the best in the kitchen, or the best at knowing how to help. but no matter how he got it, soonyoung thinks it is disgusting that he’s picking at it. he doesn’t move to stop him though. the gravity of the conversation settling within his core.

_ “okay _ ,” soonyoung says solemnly and minghao looks at him finally. 

there’s a finality in his expression that tells soonyoung that it might be goodbye after this conversation. he looks how he does whenever he’s just solved an unsatisfying question posed to him. soonyoung notices that he’s no longer picking at his scab, that there no longer is the flaky patch of skin over the wound, instead it’s just red and raw and itchy which will be how his eyes feel and look hours later when he’s crying in his bathroom over someone he’s known for just a couple of months.  _ “okay,”  _ minghao almost mocks him.) minghao has a deeper understanding of their relationship than soonyoung, so he just agrees with him, but they stay in contact. it is mostly phone calls, texts, some hastily planned meetups where they drive around the college town with greasy food sitting between them until it is so late that they can’t focus on the road. their focus shifts to each other, their conversations, their lips, their hands. for a moment soonyoung finds himself in the center of the hurricane that is minghao. those nights leave soonyoung winded and confused. they aren’t dating any longer, but there’s no way that soonyoung wants to find himself seeing anyone else. he just doesn’t move on from minghao, especially when they still see so much of each other: he can’t.

( _ “dimwit, he wanted you to say that you could make it work.”  _ wonwoo breaks it down for him. they are fully moved into their new apartment now, but it had taken weeks for them to unpack all the unnecessary boxes that they had brought from home and from the dorms. wonwoo’s got a lot more stuff than soonyoung, especially because he had lived off campus for his final year. soonyoung finds himself more confused by the whole situation when wonwoo weighs in on it. he's not, but when wonwoo laughs, he covers his mouth shyly or sometimes he just tips his head back and laughs without any restraint. all of wonwoo's laughs are soonyoung's favorites. _ “maybe it didn’t work for him before, but he wanted you to try at least. or take some stand, or something.”  _ he doesn’t know why wonwoo knows minghao so well, but it’s probably because wonwoo saw a lot of him while soonyoung was dating him. that's what best friends are for sometimes: being the third wheel. 

“ _ he could have just said so, _ ” soonyoung scrunches up his nose as he hands a hot plate to wonwoo. it is still wet from the dishwasher, so he flings a hand towel towards him as well. wonwoo takes both obediently. the conversation is still sitting between the two of them. 

above him, soonyoung can hear the clatter of glass on glass. “ _ you know minghao better than that _ .” if soonyoung wanted to look at wonwoo, then he would be able to see him rolling his eyes, but he doesn’t need to look up at him to notice that. “ _ he makes a lot of things complicated, especially when he doesn’t know how you feel. _ ” he’s pursing his lips, debating with himself on if he should expand on what he’s said. soonyoung can close his eyes and envision the exact expression wonwoo is wearing. it has become unintentional for soonyoung. whenever he’s talking to wonwoo and he doesn’t want to look at him or he can't, then he can just close his eyes and generate his exact expressions. they’ve known each other for too long for them to not have each other memorized like this. soonyoung has spent too long memorizing him. 

“ _ had you two even discussed the future _ ?  _ you two were only dating for a couple of months, maybe minghao figured it might have just been a college fling for you. _ ” wonwoo shrugs, taking another dish from soonyoung’s hands. neither of them keep the other waiting; they had agreed that the dishwasher would be more effective for the both of them, and it turned out to be the truth. most of their important conversations occurred around the kitchen with one of them unloading the dishwasher and the other putting the dishes away. 

soonyoung shrugs after giving it some thought. “ _ it wasn’t just a college fling, minghao definitely knew that. he’s not an idiot. he’s way smart, smarter than me. maybe smarter than you in some ways. _ ” he’s forgotten the point he’s trying to make here. “ _ minghao and i never talked much about the future though. i told him about us moving in together, but that’s about it _ .” 

“ _ did minghao want to move in with you _ ?” wonwoo asks, quietly. soonyoung looks up at the unexpected change in tone. wonwoo’s empty hands are waiting for the plate that soonyoung’s got his fingers on. his brow is furrowed like when he’s trying to deepen his thinking. wonwoo’s never been much of a social person, but he’s a writer and so he’s way better at rationalizing behavior than soonyoung is. soonyoung doesn’t break eye contact with wonwoo when he shakes his head. wonwoo’s furrowed brow relaxes. 

soonyoung still doesn’t understand much about the conversation. “ _ whatever, i guess i’ll talk to him when i see him again. _ ” he says and wonwoo nods in agreement. “ _ thanks _ ,” he says, “ _ for the conversation _ …  _ not for helping me with your dirty dishes _ .” 

he sticks his tongue out and wonwoo twists the hand towel and whips his side with it playfully. “ _ wow _ ,  _ as though you don’t eat us out of house and home _ .” they both laugh, leaving the previous conversation behind them as soonyoung stands up to shelve the rest of the glasses. he bumps his hip against wonwoo’s bonier one and gives him a smile that would be enough to knock his breath from his lungs. when wonwoo returns the smile, the breath is knocked out of soonyoung's lungs, definitely.) minghao eventually graduates, then they date for a year and some months before soonyoung proposes. 

they stay engaged for five years, so soonyoung is twenty-eight when minghao finally agrees to get married. they’ve been living together for those five years, but minghao has been putting the wedding off for reasons unknown to soonyoung. he never talks about it, but instead just tells him that he’s not ready yet or that they can’t possibly be sure that it’ll work out for the rest of their lives when they’ve only had a small sliver of that time together so far. soonyoung tells him to risk it during their third year of engagement and minghao almost says yes, but then he gets this weird look on his face like he’s just eaten something sour and he declines once more, with no explanation other than his expression that soonyoung spends weeks trying to decipher without asking him directly. 

they agree to get married in the springtime because other than autumn, it is the most suiting for them. they spend a year dedicated to planning it out to be their dream wedding. minghao’s always wanted lots of flowers and a big dance hall for the reception. soonyoung’s always wanted to have personally crafted vows and engraved rings. he’s a sap, in love with the idea of getting married and it being silly and special. minghao’s more concerned with the aesthetics of the wedding, remaining tastefully distant from the gushy decorations that are engraved with their names, their initials, their wedding date. soonyoung lives for the stuff though, lapping it up and wishing for their wedding to look more like them. (“ _ flowers are always part of weddings. no one else’s wedding is going to have hand-carved decorations saying _ minghao and soonyoung.” he’s holding onto the clay he had been kneading. minghao doesn’t look convinced by his argument. “ _ it’ll be awesome. it’ll be a little piece of ourselves _ .” 

minghao shrugs. “ _ you know i’m not really much of a wedding person. i just think that we shouldn’t put so much effort into one night. it is pretty costly as it is… without adding all the handmade decorations _ .  _ plus  _ we’ll  _ be at the wedding, so it’ll have a lot of ourselves there _ .” they aren’t really fighting about this, but soonyoung’s simmering. he doesn’t know why minghao’s being so difficult about such a small, but meaningful detail. he even has crunched the numbers on it and it will be cheaper than purchasing any decorations they don't already have. minghao’s been lackadaisical about the wedding since the planning started, but now he’s all but pulled out of the wedding itself. soonyoung always had imagined that minghao would be just as excited as he was to do all the planning and decorations. apparently, he had been wrong. 

he doesn’t boil over though. instead, he just bites into his lip until it is raw and red; like this, he is able to stay quiet. “ _ plus i think the handmade decorations will take too long and if we do them in a rush they’ll look tacky. _ ” minghao finally says with a sigh. “ _ this doesn’t have to do with me not wanting to compromise, soonyoung, it all has to do with the timing of this decision. you never brought up handmade decorations before we decided to bump up the date. now it’ll just be a time crunch and the last thing we need is more stress. i wish that this idea came to you before. _ ” his gaze softens as he reaches over to brush his fingertips across soonyoung’s wrist. soonyoung’s stomach does a somersault in appreciation and affection. he loves that whenever minghao touches him, it is like the first time all over again. it is one of the best parts of their relationship.

“ _ yeah… wonwoo gave me the idea when we were looking at decorations. i told him, when we were kids, that i wanted a wedding that was all… personal and tacky. i wish i had thought of it sooner _ ,” soonyoung admits, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. the true reality of the situation is that in high school soonyoung had jokingly informed wonwoo that their wedding would be tacky, impossibly gushy with hand-written vows and hand-made decorations. he doesn't think that minghao wants to hear about that. 

suddenly, without preamble, minghao pulls his hand away from soonyoung’s skin and returns to flipping through the magazine that had been abandoned in his lap. whatever just happened, neither of them talk about it as they return to their previous, separate tasks. soonyoung hardly thinks anything of it.) 

the wedding date comes upon them quickly after that. 

they fight more than ever in the last two weeks before their wedding. minghao seems to pick out every fault in everything that soonyoung does or says. he seems constantly on edge, seemingly caused by the flow of people that cycle between the two of them, trying to help with the last minute details of the wedding. the two best men, wonwoo and mingyu, are especially present which seems to bother minghao the most, but soonyoung cannot figure out why. the two of them are extremely helpful with budgeting and contacting the correct people to triple check the venue, the caterers, and everyone else that they had hired for that one single day of celebration that minghao seemed to think was a waste of money. 

mingyu seems to be minghao’s neutral zone, which soonyoung notices and realizes the implications of that: wonwoo or he did something that upset minghao. he tries to pry, but neither mingyu or minghao talk about it. (“ _ it isn’t my place to talk about anything that he’s said _ .” mingyu says. “ _ but it doesn’t change anything. he still loves you and he wants to get married _ .”) none of his words put soonyoung’s nerves at ease, even though it is nice to hear that minghao isn’t having doubts about the wedding itself.

still, he wishes that minghao would talk to him about it. 

it causes soonyoung anxiety in those two weeks before the wedding, so much anxiety that he finds himself forgetting simple things and falling over his feet. he’s wrecked three plates before minghao is taking his hands into his own and kissing his cut palms. it is the night before their wedding and minghao doesn’t untangle his limbs from soonyoung even as soonyoung cries, leaking snot and tears onto minghao and their bed. he just soothes him, humming over his erratic sobs as he traces designs and shapes onto soonyoung’s bared back. that night, they say  _ i love you  _ for the last time.

.

.

the venue looks lonely to soonyoung, even with people filing in and filling the empty spaces. there’s a hollow feeling in soonyoung’s stomach. he doesn’t know what the cause of it is, but wonwoo finds crackers to try to settle it and doesn’t leave his side unless he’s needed elsewhere by family or friends with important questions.

“it looks nice,” wonwoo smiles, appraising the pinks and baby blues of the flowers. “it’s simple, but it is suiting.” 

wonwoo knows how and when to say the things that soonyoung needs to hear. just by him saying that, soonyoung is able to see the venue in a different light. it still looks lonely to him, but something about it is whimsical. soonyoung can call this his wedding, he guesses. it might not look exactly how he wanted it to, but it has pieces of them hanging around. “yeah,” he smiles too, softer than wonwoo. then, surprising wonwoo, he wraps his arms around his midsection. hugging him tightly and breathing in his familiarity, soonyoung’s nerves are put at ease for a moment. 

“thanks.” he whispers, then freezes against wonwoo. “also, this is weird to say probably, but have you been working out again?” he leans away from wonwoo, poking him in the chest. 

wonwoo laughs, swatting his hands away. “a little, yeah, but not much. i hate doing it everyday.” 

nothing good happens after that conversation. mingyu appears at soonyoung’s elbow, whispering low, “minghao’s not here.” soonyoung suddenly feels like he’s been stuffed into a freezer; he can’t move and it is hard to breathe, but he manages to turn to face mingyu. whenever he upsets minghao, this is what happens, he freezes over. “i’ve checked everywhere and asked his family even. no one knows where he is, but he’s taken his things and his car.” the realization doesn’t really hit yet. soonyoung thinks of the infinite other reasons he could be driving away when their ceremony is about to begin. soonyoung’s top one is that he’s forgotten his handwritten vows at home. mingyu pulls out a slip of paper from his pockets and unfolds it to reveal minghao’s neat, small writing. all the words seem to flow into each other because they are written so close to one another. soonyoung hadn't even realized that he had mentioned them aloud. 

the realization hits soonyoung harder than any punch ever thrown in the whole history of boxing. “no…” he whispers, taking the paper from mingyu’s hands. “no, no, no…” he’s a step away from erratic. wonwoo’s hands are on his upper arms, but soonyoung is struggling against him, trying to move towards the parking lot to confirm that the car is gone: that minghao has really left without a word. tears well in his eyes as he pushes open the convention center’s doors. 

he’s surprised that he doesn’t get whiplash for how jerkily he moves. his eyes try to find the familiarity of minghao’s shitty, old car. he can’t find it even though he knows exactly where it was parked. another shiny black car sits in its spot. soonyoung’s breath catches in his chest and before he can quell it, the dam bursts. “no,” he whispers, pressing the back of his hand against his open mouth. 

he wants to scream. he  _ really  _ wants to scream. 

this is a pain that he’ll never forget, but wonwoo’s arms wrapping around him from behind offer consolation. it is the only bit of familiarity left within the endless parking lot. these cars are strangers to him, but wonwoo’s hands are so familiar and so warm. another sob sets off the second downpour and his knees fold alongside his body, but wonwoo follows him until he’s pulling him into his lap and holding him against his chest. he lets him cry, allows him to breakdown.

he never leaves his side even then.

.

.

it is a year later when wonwoo announces his engagement to junhui. they’ve been seeing each other for a little over two years, but they’ve been inseparable ever since they’ve met. soonyoung introduced the two before they graduated, but they hadn’t hit it off until much later. their engagement hadn’t come as a surprise to anyone, especially not soonyoung. wonwoo had confided in him that they were planning their wedding, but because of junhui’s family disapproving of the wedding, they decided to wait to announce it to the public. (“ _ it just makes sense _ ,” says junhui in a tone of voice that soonyoung’s always hated, like the whole world is so obvious to him: nothing needs to be explained in detail to him, he just  _ knows  _ in that junhui way of his. “ _ you should have thought about doing something like it so you didn’t have to deal with the badgering from your parents. _ ” soonyoung knew it was going to come, but he had hoped that junhui would take a break from comparing their situations and how soonyoung always dealt with it inappropriately. 

“ _ yeah _ ,” he says, then, “ _ but i’m not married, so i had to deal with the badgering  _ and  _ with their half-baked pity _ .” 

junhui makes  _ that face.  _ it is the one that means  _ that’s not what i meant _ . soonyoung doesn’t know how wonwoo can deal with all of junhui’s mannerisms, but he loves them all. there’s not a world where soonyoung could imagine falling in love with junhui in; junhui’s only a friend to him. there’s a lot of junhui that soonyoung could do without, but there’s also a lot of him that he cannot do without. it is a complicated relationship, but whenever junhui’s stressed, soonyoung would rather be a stranger to him. he has a habit of talking down to people, or at least, he seems like he does whenever he’s angry. soonyoung’s not even sure if he realizes that he does it, or maybe he doesn’t and soonyoung is just reading too much into his words. either way, all he knows is that junhui gets on his nerves whenever he’s stressed.

and right now, he's stressed.

“ _ it was a good idea though, i guess _ .” soonyoung concedes, shrugging his shoulders. “ _ we’ll see if your parents actually show or not _ .  _ mine did, but i think it is because i gave them the time to come to terms with it. yours might not show because you didn’t give them that time _ .” he doesn’t really know anything about junhui’s parents, but if they are anything like his own like junhui often seems to believe, then junhui’s wouldn’t show up at the wedding in two months. 

wonwoo looks up from the papers in his hands. he’s been editing since breakfast. “ _ he’s got a good point _ .” to emphasize it, he points his pen at soonyoung and soonyoung snorts in response. “ _ maybe we’ve dealt with your parents in the wrong manner _ .” 

junhui shrugs, looking sour. he especially doesn't like it that wonwoo is on soonyoung's side now.) junhui’s parents call him to inform him that they won’t be able to attend the wedding. out in the hallway, he fights with them in mandarin while soonyoung is wrapped up in a pile of blankets on the couch. dramas have been playing on the television all day while wonwoo works in the dining room. both of them are keeping him company through his work, but soonyoung’s mostly there feeling sorry for himself and enjoying all of the free ice cream that wonwoo's freezer offers.

wonwoo appears in the doorway after a minute of rapid mandarin floating down the hall.

“done?” soonyoung asks, tilting his head back to refocus his attention onto wonwoo instead of the television, “...or just taking a break?”

“done,” wonwoo rubs the back of his neck and takes his glasses off. soonyoung sits up to make room for him on the couch before he even knows if he wants to join him. his ice cream lays forgotten on the table, human contact the only thing sounding more appealing. wonwoo slides down on the couch easy and his hands slide even easier when they come into contact with soonyoung’s skin. soonyoung is acutely aware of how wonwoo’s hands trail from his biceps to his waist, then he’s being pulled back flush against wonwoo’s chest. his skin tingles where wonwoo’s hands meet it. this is so natural for them, but it feels so big to soonyoung. there’s an enormity behind his touch that soonyoung has never understood and he doubts that he ever will. they relax into a normality that they both are familiar with by now.

there's a feeling that soonyoung cannot grasp though. it sits in his chest and it feels encompassing. it resides in the unknown of the enormity, but feels familiar. “proud of you,” he says sappily, leaning his head back onto wonwoo’s shoulder to bat his eyelashes at him. a deep chuckle warms wonwoo’s chest and soonyoung thinks that he can feel it too beneath his own skin. “but no, really, good job.” he looks away from wonwoo because he has to: junhui has returned and is rooted to the spot in the doorway. 

there’s nothing wrong with this; it is nothing out of the ordinary, so soonyoung doesn’t understand the look that he catches crossing junhui’s face. “can i speak with wonwoo?  _ alone _ ?” he asks pointedly. soonyoung shrugs, not bothering to wait for wonwoo’s answer. he extricates himself from wonwoo’s hands and the blankets that are clinging to him. he might be imagining it, but wonwoo’s grip seems to tighten as he tries to leave. he feels his absence.

“i’ll just head home then. if you need me, then you know where to find me.” he bids his farewells to junhui and wonwoo, only looking at wonwoo, then he leaves. his ice cream still is forgotten.

.

.

he knows he shouldn’t eavesdrop. he knows that it is morally wrong and is a betrayal of trust, especially between junhui and him, but their walls are so thin and he’s still pulling on his coat. “you can’t do that, wonwoo.” he hears junhui’s voice. when he’s angry, he sounds just like his parents. “i feel like the third wheel whenever you are with soonyoung.” 

wonwoo’s strangely quiet. when soonyoung and him fight, their voices rise higher and higher until they threaten to break through the ceiling or break through the sky. soonyoung has to strain to even hear him when he does speak. “...just soonyoung.”  _ what does that mean?  _ soonyoung wonders, and wishes that he could be in that room so he could soothe the tired lines of wonwoo’s shoulders with his touch. minghao and him had fought over everything they could. it seemed like the closer the wedding got, the further they had drifted. the rift between them had grown much too big to repair. soonyoung doesn’t want to watch that happen to wonwoo and junhui. he’s always thought they suited each other too well for rifts to separate them, but hearing junhui’s voice raise in anger and exhaustion, he can believe that their rift is growing much too big for them. it feels as big as the enormity in wonwoo’s touch, but it makes soonyoung’s stomach sink instead of making his skin tingle. 

soonyoung realizes he doesn’t want to hear anymore. he wishes he didn’t hear anything to begin with. 

.

.

junhui is agitated on their wedding day. soonyoung bounces between the two grooms with unbridled energy. he doesn’t want to find himself out in the crowd because he’s scared that he’ll run into minghao. junhui had invited him, but soonyoung doesn’t know if he will actually be there. soonyoung hopes that if he’s here, then soonyoung can avoid him, even if he wants to ask him why he left that day. it'll be best for the both of them to stay away from each other.

“stop spacing out,” junhui almost barks at soonyoung as he hands him a tiny black box. soonyoung does not understand at first, but he grasps onto it unconsciously. “hang onto the rings, okay? i’m sure you can do that.” 

“take a breath, junhui,” mingyu warns, fingers threaded through his hair as he fixes it. he senses the danger of junhui's tone. inviting mingyu is better than hiring a stylist or spending unnecessary money at the hair salon. his touch seems to placate junhui for the time being, but there’s still that crease between his brow that warns everyone away from him. “soonyoung didn’t do anything to you. he’s not the reason that your flowers didn’t get here on time.” and with that, junhui is ranting about the incapability of the nearby florist. 

_ you should have asked which florist we used _ … soonyoung thinks. 

minghao had picked out beautiful flowers. the bouquets took soonyoung’s breath away when he walked into the venue. minghao had an eye for design. he knew what would look aesthetically pleasing. maybe their wedding was never supposed to be perfect, but when he had walked in and saw minghao’s face light up, he had figured that everything  _ was  _ perfect. if he was with minghao, then everything would always be perfect. now that he’s without him, he can’t help but to hope that he was just not ready that time around. he’s glad they didn’t have to go through a divorce because there was no wedding. they could peaceably fall apart. 

soonyoung had fallen apart a little less than peaceably (“ _ break-ups happen _ ,” says seokmin from the kitchen. there’s no food in soonyoung’s cabinets, but he feels fondly towards his best friend who is trying to summon food from the backs of his cabinets. “ _ this one is just particularly hard… _ ” he trails off as though he’s found something, but then there’s a clattering. “ _ i didn’t know bread could mold like this.”  _ his tone rises in surprise. 

soonyoung laughs, but it sounds hollow. “ _ there’s some pasta above the stove _ .” he doesn’t want to eat, but he knows that seokmin won’t leave him alone until he’s sure that he has eaten some food. he still feels the loss inside of him, but he tries to ignore it. it is just a ball of ice sitting in his chest and he hopes that it will melt soon. maybe he will be drowned by the water, but at least then he won’t feel so uncomfortable. “ _ i thought we really had something _ ,” he says quietly, picking at his blanket. it is threadbare underneath his fingers and at this rate, he’s only going to ruin it further. 

seokmin is pulling out a pot, filling it with water, then setting it on the stove. while he waits for it to boil, he steps back out into the living room. “ _ maybe someone else is waiting for you _ ,” he shrugs. soonyoung snorts, it is the most genuine emotion that he has given anyone in the past week. his mind doesn't drift to wonwoo, but it also does. he's there in the peripherals. soonyoung is getting too old to believe that he’ll have the connection that he had with minghao. most of his friends are getting married which means that it is none of them, even if his mind wants to think about wonwoo. seokmin himself has even been in a long-term relationship that appears to be leading to marriage. “ _ you don’t really know, soonyoung, maybe he’ll come back _ .” there’s an earnest look on seokmin’s face when he says this. 

maybe he’s bitter, but soonyoung gives him a hard look. “ _ that’s a pointless thought _ .”

minghao wouldn’t be coming back to him no matter how much he wished for it.). he had days where he couldn’t contact anyone other than the rare disturbance of wonwoo. he didn’t eat. he was always angry and upset at himself and others. 

pulling himself from his thoughts once again, junhui reminds him of how upset minghao had been on their wedding day. “i’m going to find wonwoo,” soonyoung tells the whole room, but also no one. neither of them react, so he just gets up and starts searching for wonwoo. he knows that he’s either in the bathroom, panicking, or he’s still getting changed. he decides to trust his gut as he heads into the bathroom. 

“wonwoo-yah?” he asks, swinging the bathroom door open. 

“you can only come in if you don't make fun of my hair.” he says which confuses soonyoung until he walks in to see wonwoo’s hair wildly sticking up. there’s definitely product in it because it is defying gravity with the way it is pointing each and every way. soonyoung steels his expression like a good best friend. 

“do you need help?” he asks instead, stepping too close. wonwoo’s always looked so tall when they stand, barely touching. soonyoung doesn’t know why he always notices it, but he has to lean his head back to peer up at him. he notices it a lot more lately when it is just the two of them. when he tilts his head back now, he smiles up at wonwoo, as bright as the sun, he hopes. wonwoo needs some type of happiness to get him through the next moments. 

wonwoo nods, even though soonyoung’s hands are already suspended in air. 

once he has the go-ahead, soonyoung runs his fingers through wonwoo’s hair, trying to soothe it. “telling you that you look like a mad scientist is probably making fun of your hair, isn’t it?” he says with a grin on his face. he can’t read wonwoo’s expression because he is trying to focus on controlling his hair, but he catches the shift from his peripheral. 

“i think you’d be pushing it with that,” he chuckles and it rumbles deep in his chest. for some reason, soonyoung’s fingers still when it happens. absently, wonwoo murmurs, “that feels good.” 

when he tries to laugh, it is dry. “yeah,” soonyoung licks his lips. 

his hair isn’t going down with touch, so soonyoung gets some water to try to rinse some of the product out of his hair. there’s a slim chance of it working, but he’s willing to try it to make wonwoo’s hair look better. junhui will nitpick it if it looks bad and he’s been hogging mingyu all evening. “how did you even…" soonyoung shakes his head. “i know you tend to run your fingers through your hair, but i’ve never seen it this bad before.” 

“yeah,” wonwoo says, absently, leaning into soonyoung’s touch. his eyes slip closed and soonyoung’s gaze drifts when he notices the movement. there’s something beautiful about wonwoo when he’s peaceful like this. in his suit, he looks absolutely gorgeous and once his hair is fixed, he’ll probably look like a model. that's one place where junhui suits him perfectly. “thanks for helping me.” he says, but soonyoung shrugs, hoping that wonwoo feels the movement. 

his hand drifts from wonwoo’s hair down to his cheek. his skin is just as soft as it has always been. soonyoung knows the feeling of his skin. he always has known it. at the unexpected touch, wonwoo’s eyes fly upon. his eyelashes flutter before his surprised expression settles on soonyoung’s own expression. he doesn’t know what kind of face he’s making, but he knows that wonwoo is stunningly beautiful up close like this, even if he can see his pores. his hand does not feel like his own appendage. it moves on its own to cradle wonwoo’s face. his other hand joins it. their noses brush against one another.

they are too close.

wonwoo leans further into the touch, but there is still shock in his gaze. neither of them understand what is happening because they have never understood what is constantly happening between them (“ _ you  _ have  _ to be quiet _ ,” wonwoo stresses. he’s piss drunk too, but soonyoung’s feet seem to have turned to lead. two teenagers thinking it would be cool to get smashed after graduation, but without anywhere to go after the party was over. wonwoo’s place is closer and his parents are likely out for most of the night, so soonyoung sends a text to his parents and hopes that they aren’t too upset. 

“ _ listen _ ,” soonyoung says. he’s so drunk. the room is spinning. “ _ you have to listen to me _ .” 

he doesn’t earn a response until wonwoo has dumped him onto his bed and pulled off his shoes. he knows that he should have tried to peel them off at the front door, but it would have been an ordeal and it would have woken anyone who was home up. he already had tossed his own shoes off, so after he gets soonyoung’s off, he collapses down onto the bed beside him, turning to him. “ _ i’m listening _ ,” he says simply, _finally_.

soonyoung looks really confused, like he really wants to say something to him, but he doesn’t know how to phrase it, or that he's forgotten what he wanted wonwoo to listen to. he supposes that the former is completely the truth. wonwoo’s beautiful and he wants to tell him that, but he knows that he’s just piss drunk, that seokmin’s voice is echoing in the back of his mind:  _ why don’t you just get together with wonwoo then? his ex is just going to keep trying to get with him as long as he’s free. at least he’d be happy with you, if he’s into that…  _

he moves before he can stop himself.

the kiss isn’t perfect. it is sloppy and wonwoo tastes like vodka, but soonyoung chases after his lips when wonwoo moves back. “ _ again _ ,” soonyoung whines. he’s serious. he’s clinging to the only sober part of his mind when he makes the rational decision that kissing wonwoo is nice and he wants to do it again and again and again. wonwoo looks torn. he’s more sober than soonyoung by a handful of drinks, but he seems to gravitate closer instead of further away. “ _ please, again _ .” his hands are on wonwoo’s shoulders, around wonwoo’s neck, he’s pulling him back in.)

their lips barely brush. 

it makes soonyoung feel so much. 

“what…” comes junhui’s voice from the entrance. 

they have no time to step away from one another. they are open to junhui’s scrutiny even if their lips are not pressed together. “oh,” junhui sounds resigned. it bothers soonyoung that he sounds so calm. before this, he had been a storm. “this is exactly what i was talking about, what _we_ talked about.” soonyoung doesn’t understand, but he also does. he had been there for the start of that conversation, but he never heard the end of it. “if you want to be with soonyoung, then be with him, not me.” 

“that’s not…” wonwoo starts, but he doesn’t finish. it appears like he doesn’t know how to finish. 

junhui takes that as an answer. soonyoung doesn’t understand how people can hear the hidden meaning in things, because he can’t. he sees openness and honesty in wonwoo’s expression. there’s a plea there for junhui to not leave, but that’s exactly what he’s going to do. soonyoung recognizes the look from minghao. nothing will be able to stop junhui; wonwoo can make all the promises he wants to, but there's fear in junhui's gaze. it is tangible. he knows that he's lost. 

“you can’t… make me watch you two…  _ whatever  _ you have going on.” he’s disgusted, soonyoung thinks. at the very least, he sounds disgusted. 

when he leaves, wonwoo is following him. 

soonyoung has never felt so empty. 

.

.

a month passes before wonwoo contacts soonyoung. 

when he does, it is just a simple text telling him to come over. 

soonyoung leaves as soon as he receives the text. 

.

.

“can we talk,” wonwoo says as soon as he opens the door. it doesn't sound like a question. “i think we need to talk about some things.” 

(“ _ you are mine, mine, mine, _ ” wonwoo chuckles, giddy with happiness. his lps press against soonyoung’s jaw. he’s following the line until he’s right below soonyoung’s ear. “ _ all mine _ .” soonyoung has to bite his lip or he’ll smile too hard and ruin the moment. he wants to bask in this feeling. he tilts his head to give wonwoo better access and he lets out a breathless noise when wonwoo’s tongue sweeps against his skin, warm and wet. 

he is wonwoo’s completely.)

soonyoung nods, then hoarsely, “yeah, i think so too.”

(“ _ you are dating minghao? _ ” wonwoo asks from atop the book he’s reading. 

“ _ yeah _ ,” soonyoung answers nonchalantly.  _ be upset, tell me you don’t want me to date him _ . 

wonwoo nods, returning his full attention to his book. soonyoung isn't satisfied.)

it took a month for soonyoung to gather it all together. he’s known wonwoo for so long that it seems so obvious now, but he never stopped to even wonder. he never thought that any of their shared whispers were real. neither of them acted on it aside from dark nights. none of them acted on it until they did and they drowned in one another. “i talked to minghao…” he says. wonwoo regards him simply, waiting for him to go on, but he knows without soonyoung saying it. (“ _ why did you leave?”  _ soonyoung thinks that he knows what answer that minghao will give, but he still wants to hear it. 

minghao dips a finger into his coffee. he has to burn himself, but he doesn’t react. mingyu is seated next to him; mingyu has always been there for all of them. he plays peacemaker. he makes sure that neither of them upset each other. “ _ you know _ ,” he says, then finally looks up at soonyoung. 

his gaze is so absent of emotion that soonyoung feels cold all over. his whole chest freezes over. “ _ i want you to tell me, hao. i’ll never know if you don’t tell me. _ ” at the use of the affectionate nickname, minghao looks back up at soonyoung sharply. soonyoung makes a mental note to not call him by it anymore. he didn’t even think about it when he used it. minghao seems to get over it quickly. 

“ _ you love wonwoo. you have always been in love with wonwoo. _ ” he pours a sugar packet onto the table pointlessly. everything that isn't wonwoo feels so pointless. soonyoung thinks that it is so bizarre that he laughs aloud. mingyu looks at him like he’s lost a screw, but he doesn’t know how to contain this strange feeling. it feels like all the ice in his chest has melted to drown him. he feels like his lungs are full of water. his heart is underwater as well. everything moves so slowly, so sluggishly. “ _ you might not have realized it, but you are. it really would have sucked if i married you while you were like that.” _ )

“and?” wonwoo asks. 

“i am,” he says. it is so ambiguous, but wonwoo is so much smarter than ambiguous. 

his gaze softens. “me too.” 

(“ _ do you think… we could be together?”  _ soonyoung asks, looking out of wonwoo’s bedroom window. “ _ like… do you think we would work out? _ ” he has that puppy look to him: the wide eyes with the half-smile. he is so expectant, so innocent. it is like he knows what the answer will be, or at least, he hopes it is what he wants it to be. 

wonwoo chews on his lip. “ _ if we wanted to last until graduation, sure. _ ” 

it isn’t the answer that soonyoung wants. he is bright with love. he’s sunken deep into the sun and now sunlight runs in his veins. whenever wonwoo kisses him, he’s making the sun rise. it haloes him and warms him. soonyoung touches him and light drifts over him softly. it warms him. “ _ what if we want it to work out longer? _ ” soonyoung asks, moving from the window to wonwoo’s bed. wonwoo drops the book he’s reading into his lap to focus his attention on soonyoung. 

“ _ what do you mean? _ ” wonwoo asks. “ _ do you want to be something together? _ ”

soonyoung doesn’t tell him that he wants to be together with wonwoo forever, for as long as he'll be beside him, that he would do anything to stay this happy with wonwoo. “ _ i do. _ ” he says, and it is the only time he’s ever been able to say those words, because years later he’ll be left before he gets to the alter. a year after that, wonwoo won’t have the chance to say:

“ _ i do too _ .”) 


End file.
